Frustration

Frustration is the BIG side effect of MS for me. This time last month I was recovering from an “episode” …. In some ways I am still recovering from it.

My pharmaceutical insurance drug its feet in approving my Betaseron injections. I got over the fear of giving myself a shot every other day before I got over my FRUSTRATION with the insurance. They approved it…. after my doctor sent them a paper about why I need it. Then they only approved it for two years and I will have to have it re-approved. Unless a cure is found, I’ve got this for the long haul.

The MAJOR FRUSTRATION- I can’t drive. I can make it about 2 miles from home until my peripheral vision drives me crazy, it gets too hard to focus on the road, and I get a headache and have to pull over. It’s been over a month. My doctor looked at me funny when I told him I still can’t drive, but “it’ll get better.” When??????? I try every few days as I drive my dad and daughter to school/daycare.

I will be 30 in June. I drove my dad to GP every morning at 7AM when I was 15 years old. At 16 I got Casper , my White Pontiac Sunfire, 4 cylinder but double overhead CAMS, and drove myself to school. At 17 Casper and I had bonded and I drove myself and my brother to school. I loved to drive.

My second stint in high school in north Knoxville helped squelch my driving prowess. 45 minutes to an hour on the interstate. By the time I got a job closer to home, I almost shared my grandfather’s speed preference. Almost.

And now… months shy of 30….one of my parents drops me off and picks me up.

The other REALLY BIG FRUSTRATION has been the fatigue. When the nurse visited to teach me how to give myself the shots, I told her about the fatigue and she suggested some medicines I should ask my doctor about. My dad picked up the samples yesterday. I took the first one this morning at 6:30……

It is currently 1:54 AM on Saturday and I haven’t been able to sleep. I feel like I’ve drunk a dozen 12 packs of Coke with a few cups of coffee thrown in for good measure. I’ve been so jittery all day. Like the Energizer Bunny, but worse. I’m almost embarrassed to go back to work on Monday.

I’ve been going to bed and getting up when I get tired of tossing and turning. The last time I hit the bed, I thought about all the people in this world who would love to have a bed to toss and turn in. Which led me to think about all the other ways I am blessed. And all the things I take for granted.

Since I got my diagnosis, I’ve also thought about the irony of this hitting me during Lent. I planned to observe Lent by abstaining from Coke and chocolate. I was doing well with the chocolate and weaning myself off Coke to avoid the caffeine withdrawal. (Needless to say, I’m still drinking half the Coke I was before and low fat chocolate.)

This thought has hit me more than once- Jesus endured the cross for me, so He will get me through this, and I need to tell others what He is doing for me and in me. I have my frustrations and moments when I seriously have to clench my fists to squelch the urge to throw something. But I take a few…. or a lot ….. of deep breaths and look at all the things I DO HAVE.

Blessings

1 Chronicles 4:10 And Jabez called on the God of Israel saying, "Oh, that You would bless me indeed, and enlarge my territory, that Your hand would be with me, and that You would keep me from evil , that I may not cause pain!" So God granted him what he requested.

I worked 3 days last week. That's a blessing. When people asked me how I'm doing, I usually said "Better than I was doing last week." I'm trying to look at the positives. I'm really good at looking at negatives and complaining. Scrapping the negativity and complaints is one of my goals.

I went to the doctor Thursday. He said I will be able to live a normal life once I get on my medicine. The caveat is my medication comes in shot form. And I, girl who doesn't get along well with needles, has to give herself the shot every other day. On the positive side, I have been a big girl with my allergies with a shot in each arm twice a week.

But my mistake came in researching the Betaseron. I found a good site for MSers and it has a message board. So last night, after a day at school and the fatigue kicking in, I decided to read the message board section on medicine. It's taken me awhile today to get over the state of mild panic reading all those posts put me in. I now know all about all the side effects I can suffer from.

As I write this, I am remembering something I told my mom on the way home from the visit with Dr. J before my MRI. I have thought about this before, but it is really important to remember now. My family, immediate and extended has been very blessed. While I was in the hospital, I kept thinking about all those people who don't have family to stay with them and care for them while they are sick.

One of the big ways I've been blessed in all of this is my family. My parents have three children these days- my brother and I and my daughter. At my low point in the hospital, my mother had to feed me because I could barely see the food to feed myself. Since they're cut from the same cloth, my brother entertains Trixie. I'm not quite up to driving yet, so my father takes Isabella and me to and from daycare. I even spent two mornings of convalesce with my 80 year old grandfather at his house. I could go on, but it's kinda embarrassing. I could not go through this without my family. I am so blessed that God saw fit to send my stork to them.

What is MS? I'm not talking abt a Master's of Science Degree

I really liked this video, but I don't really care for Marlo Donato Parmelee's other videos and book. They kinda border on the negative stuff I'm trying to avoid, but this video is pretty good. I like how she explains MS.

What is MS? I'm not talking abt a Master

My Prayer Life

It is very unlike me to comment publicly on my spiritual life, especially in detail. I have been a born again Christian since I was 12 years old. I don't stay quiet on my spiritual life out of shame or anything like that. I don't want to run my big mouth because my behavior isn't always becoming of a Christian. But it's time to watch and improve the behavior and talk openly about my beliefs.

Not long ago I read some of my old journals. One time period that stood out was 2001. I was reading The Prayer of Jabez. The other big thing that happened during the summer is the inception of my bilingual life. Those early days were so basic- I began using the Spanish that I was paying UT to teach me. I used Spanish to communicate with a Mexican-American brother and sister who did not speak any English. I started with the easy stuff- Me gusta leer. Me gusta el pollo. Te gusta pizza? Slowly but surely my Spanish improved with practice. I decided to major in Spanish. I developed what I believe is an unusual gift for a gringa. I believe that my ability to speak Spanish is an answer to my Prayer of Jabez.

I give all of this background information because it's time for me to starting praying Jabez's prayer again. Bruce Wilkinson published his book in April 2000 and it was the hot Christian book at the time. It's passed its heyday, but I plan to revisit the short book to supplement the quick, powerful prayer that I comes quickly to mind.

(Since it isn't politically correct, I'm gonna whisper. The other prayer initiative I've undertaken is praying for my students.)

A New Blog for a New Age

I had not planned to get back into blogging anytime soon, but as I posted yesterday, plans change. I don't want to keep posting on the same old blog because a lot of things have changed for me since I started that one. But I wanted to get this started and close off the old one. BTW I really wanted to go with just kesi.blogspot, but it was already taken! Apparently there is another Kesi in Maryland and she posted one time and is taking up my spot with blogger. I'll get over it.