Frustration

Frustration is the BIG side effect of MS for me. This time last month I was recovering from an “episode” …. In some ways I am still recovering from it.

My pharmaceutical insurance drug its feet in approving my Betaseron injections. I got over the fear of giving myself a shot every other day before I got over my FRUSTRATION with the insurance. They approved it…. after my doctor sent them a paper about why I need it. Then they only approved it for two years and I will have to have it re-approved. Unless a cure is found, I’ve got this for the long haul.

The MAJOR FRUSTRATION- I can’t drive. I can make it about 2 miles from home until my peripheral vision drives me crazy, it gets too hard to focus on the road, and I get a headache and have to pull over. It’s been over a month. My doctor looked at me funny when I told him I still can’t drive, but “it’ll get better.” When??????? I try every few days as I drive my dad and daughter to school/daycare.

I will be 30 in June. I drove my dad to GP every morning at 7AM when I was 15 years old. At 16 I got Casper , my White Pontiac Sunfire, 4 cylinder but double overhead CAMS, and drove myself to school. At 17 Casper and I had bonded and I drove myself and my brother to school. I loved to drive.

My second stint in high school in north Knoxville helped squelch my driving prowess. 45 minutes to an hour on the interstate. By the time I got a job closer to home, I almost shared my grandfather’s speed preference. Almost.

And now… months shy of 30….one of my parents drops me off and picks me up.

The other REALLY BIG FRUSTRATION has been the fatigue. When the nurse visited to teach me how to give myself the shots, I told her about the fatigue and she suggested some medicines I should ask my doctor about. My dad picked up the samples yesterday. I took the first one this morning at 6:30……

It is currently 1:54 AM on Saturday and I haven’t been able to sleep. I feel like I’ve drunk a dozen 12 packs of Coke with a few cups of coffee thrown in for good measure. I’ve been so jittery all day. Like the Energizer Bunny, but worse. I’m almost embarrassed to go back to work on Monday.

I’ve been going to bed and getting up when I get tired of tossing and turning. The last time I hit the bed, I thought about all the people in this world who would love to have a bed to toss and turn in. Which led me to think about all the other ways I am blessed. And all the things I take for granted.

Since I got my diagnosis, I’ve also thought about the irony of this hitting me during Lent. I planned to observe Lent by abstaining from Coke and chocolate. I was doing well with the chocolate and weaning myself off Coke to avoid the caffeine withdrawal. (Needless to say, I’m still drinking half the Coke I was before and low fat chocolate.)

This thought has hit me more than once- Jesus endured the cross for me, so He will get me through this, and I need to tell others what He is doing for me and in me. I have my frustrations and moments when I seriously have to clench my fists to squelch the urge to throw something. But I take a few…. or a lot ….. of deep breaths and look at all the things I DO HAVE.